Heer's Pov

after getting a head massage from maithili mumma .. I went to my room to sleep.

I didn't sleep last night so duh!

I slept throughout the day and woke up at 5

finally I woke up at 5!!!!! - its evening dumfusk

my mind retorts

I guess this war of me and my mind is never ending

aa dekhe zara kisme kitna hai dum- shut up you arse

I reached downstairs.. at the dining table for my chai.

coffee, cappucino, frappecino jo bhi peelo pr chai ka kaam chai hi karti hai.

as I waited for it the doorbell rings

"heeri beta dekhna kon hai"

 waheguru mai bata rahi hu agle janam me bhale hi kutta bana dena par kisi ghr ki choti beti na banana... jo dekho vo kaam bata deta hai.

"jaa rahi hu dadi"

I replied and go through my way  through the corridor to the door

and as I opened the door I was met with a very overly excited maithili mumma.

"aree wah mumma itni khush kitthe se aayi hai sawari"

I asked 

"oh andar aan de, main dasdi han"

she said coming inside

"maa ji, akshay ji, kiaan, aaransh, krushna, or padosiyo sb kaha hai"

she said shouted  and I rolled my eyes at "padosiyo" like maa you are considering my mom dad who apparently lives here only as neighbours. cool.

that's what I meant when I said cold war

"aree kya hua maithili kyu sara ghr sir pr utha rahi ho"

Dadi said

"mummyji aaj tusi kuch vi bolo, mainu koi gall nahi lagegi. Aaj main bohot vadda kaam karke aayi haan."

maithili mumma replied

"aree kya kaam kara hai aisa bataogi bhi ya aise hi thode der or khelna hai question question?"

dadi said

yes! roasting flows in the blood.

"hayee mummy ji tussi aise gussa kyu ho rahe hai bata rahi hu .. aree mere puttar nu to bulao ..usi ke baare me to baat hai"

maithili mumma said and kiaan goes to call Anny

like his little biscuit he is (bitch)(I don't curse yk)

Anny comes rubbing his eyes sleepily

hayee jee karta hai  ise khaa jau-are you cannibal?

shut up you!

as usual my fight with my subconscious mind.

"oh ki gal hai amma, mainu kyu bulaya hai"

he said irritatedly as kiaan woke him up from his sleep.

"gal nahi puttar pooch khusi ki baat kii hai"

maithili mumma said 

"hnn te dass abb khusi ki baat"

he replied

"tenu vo sheena aunty yaad hai?"

maithili mumma asked

"hann vohi aunty jise jalane ke liye tere lai 5000 da suit lia see"

anny retorted

"anny maine ek kaske chapet lagani hai chup kar ke gall sun"

maithili mumma spats and he zips his mouth

"hann to sbki moujoodgi dekhte hue mai aap sbko batana chahti hu ki maine meri noo dhund li hai!!"

maithili mumma said and anny laughed

"aaransh bhai teri baat ho rahi h"

he said laughingly making aaransh choke on thin air

"jii kyu aapka baal brahmachari marne ka plan hai?"

maithili mumma said making me laugh and cry at the same time

laugh because its his insult and cry because maithili mumma said she found her daughter in law .

dil tutta ve-shut the fuck up and think an idea to stop this .

"kyaaa"

anny shreiked

"putta mujhe mere kaan se bohot ishq mohabbat hai mai apne sunne ki shakti nhi khone chahti to tu na thoda apni awaaz low decibel pe kar"

maithili mumma said 

"oh amma ae keda natak kar rahi h tu? "

anny said 

"natak nahi puttar vyah hovegi teraaa.. hayee nii mera billu"

maithili mumma said 

billu is his nickname

bahahahahahahhahahhaha

kiaan controlled his laugh

"aree maithili ladki ki photo to dikhao"

dadi said 

"hann mummy ji-"

maithili mumma was interuppted by him saying

"kya han mummy ji.. dadi aap bhi?"

"han to beta isme harz hi kya hai ache khase bade hogye ho kaam dhande se lage ho or kya chaiye"

dadi said 

"kahi impotent to nhi h"

kiaan whispered near me and we both cracked up like crazy making all of them look at us.. my laughter faded

"ki..kitna funny hai Kiaan"

I said nervously fake laughing.. kiaan too did the same.

"achaa mujhe bhi batana konsa joke mara iss gadhe ne"

papa said

kyu janna hai aapko ki aapka damaad impotent hai.. nati natino ka sukh nahi dekhna?

"non veg joke hai rehn do"

kiaan said with a straight face

"non-veg? is it about chicken?"

papa said and we both again cracked up

chicken? anny chicken? to phir mai uski chikni chameli

"kind off"

kiaan said and again laughed

"chdo inko .. mummy ji aap ye photo dekho .. is ladki ka naam hai Meera.. badi soni kudi hai .. padhi likhi hai or uska medical college complete hogaya hai .. abhi internship kr rahi hai"

maithili mumma ratted

"wah maithili mumma aapne to history nikal li"

I said a teen-sy bit jealous.. I peek at the photo only to open my mouth wide..

this biscuit Meeraaa.. jo school me anhad pr dore dalti thi 

maithili mumma nhi karo please iski buri najar hai anny par.

I snap my head at anny and he looked nonchalant.

nonchalant? mtlb ye isse shadi krlega?

"NAHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII"

I shouted on the top of my lungs making everyone look at me .

"kii hoya puttar"

maithili mumma said 

"vo..vo ye ..ye shadi nhi ho skti aree mai janti hu is ldki ko .. ye vo krti hai"

I said

"vo kya krti hai beta" 

akshay papa asked

vo kya krti hai? kya krti hai vo?

work you dumbfuss biscuit brain

"han puttar bata kya krti hai vo?"

maithili mumma asked

"bata bhi do Heeri?"

mumma asked

"batao na Heeri"
krushna dii asked

"drugs"

the word fell from my mouth without even thinking and they all looked at me dumbfounded

"wh..what that was my dream to recreate the reel"

I said making everyone somehow beleive me 

and I moved towards my room sulkily throwing my legs 

"sbhksiyhgbyegyegriygyigreiyugiyguidsguiheduigh"

yeah I said this .. suck it up biscuits

"IDEAA"

I shouted as an idea lit up

dimag ki batti jaliiiiii

I called bharat 

bass ye insaan sirf yahi smjhta hai mujhe

"whatt noww?"

he scowls

I politely take back my words he can respectfully fusk off

"shut up you pig can't you ask normally?"

I spat on the call

"boliye Miss. Heer Arora ?"

he said 

"Better , where are you right now?"
I asked 
"at home why?"

"I am coming"

I said and cut the call

within 10 minutes I was opening the door of his house while swinging on it 

"andar aayegi ya vahi jhoolna hai"

he said from the hall

"hann haan aagyi"

I said sprawling on the sofa beside him and he flips me a bird.. I flip him back
"kya hai mara kyu"
I said
"harkate hai aapki aisi"
he said 

"kya kiya maine"
I said 
"sone lag pada tha mai"
He replied 
"to kya tu mere liye uth nahi skta"

"shut up with this emotional drama okay? ab bata ki hua ab?"

he said 

"you know that biscuit Anny? we reconciled but just after 5 minutes usne ek or raita faila diya"

I said 

"kya hua"
I narrated him all the story from starting to end and guess what he did

he laughed

tastard. tartucker. fuscker, biscuit

I cursed him and beat him with the nearby pillow

"okay okay stop stop..that Meera?"

and he again goes on his laughing spree

"han hass le hass le jeevan bhar to tu hasa nahi aaj hass le.. mujhe majboor mt kar ki mai tujhe hindi me gali du"

I threathed him

"alelele acha Heeri hindi m gali degi de na zara?"he mocked me

"han to sun.. umm... kutta..... kamina"I said after thinking for a generous time

He laughed like a crazy now

"what?"

I shreiked

"kuch nahi bhai.. kutta kamina gali hoti hai aaj pata chala"

he again laughed

"okay okay now stop"

I said and by now his laughter was subsided.

"hann to phir ab?"

he asked

"dekh ek idea hai pr teri help chaiye" I continued "hn to phir apn kya krte hai .. us Meera chamgadni ka number to tu nikal hi lega .. ek kaam karenge usko phone lagake bolna ki tu anny ke bacche ki maa banne vala hai .. bss "

I told my master plan with a broad smile.

"hogaya"
He said with a tight smile

"vo kya hai na heeri mai kya thoda sa ldka hu na to meri aawaz mardani hai"he said with  a tight smile and then making an as usual scowl face

"arre to tu school me nikalta tha na ladkiyo ki aawaz .. or meri aawaz to vo sapne me bhi pehchan jayegi bharat .. yaad hai na kaisa koota tha maine usko"

I said 

"Heeri.. puberty pata hai tujhe?.. male me growth of-"

he was interuppted by me blushingly saying

"aree kya growth bharat.. ldki hu mai mere aage to mt bol"

he flips me a bird

"ae champli.. poora sun.. growth of voice box-larynx .. aawaz mardaani hojati hai .. ab meri awaaz alag hai.. kaise baat karunga ladki ki aawaz me?"

he said making me give him a tight smile

"hn to poora bolna tha na.. or tu try to kar na please"

I requested

and finally after 5 minutes we were calling Meera while the phone was on speaker.

"hello..dr.Meera this side"

I quickly muted the call

"bol to aise rahi hai jaise-"

"shh"

bharat shushed me and unmuted the call

ON THE PHONE

bharat (in girl's voice): Hello

Meera: yes .. 

Bharat: ye meera ji se baat ho rahi hai

meera: umm its dr. meera actually

(I rolled my eyes)

bharat: ji mujhe unhi se baat krni hai 

Meera: hanji kahiye

bharat: vo mere na din chad gye hai (blushingly)

Meera: means

(aree angrezan- very well .. this is the first time my subconscious mind supported me muahhh baby)

Bharat: means mai pregnant hu madam

Meera: okay so what do you want me to do

Bharat: are aapki mumma mujhe bata rahi thi ki unki sifarish se aap dr. Rashid ke yaha internship kr rhe ho.. to na aap meri details dr. rashid ko dedena , aapki mumma se baad hogyi hai mer.. smjh me aaya ?

Meera: j..jiii jii. ek..ek min..minute

(then there was voice of shufling ... I was laughing like a maniac seeing her panic 
ye abhi bhi fattu hai)

Bharat: to bolu mai apni details?

Meera: han to bolo na

bharat: hmm naam likho

Meera: han bolo

(he looked at me for name after muting the call.. I said "phoolmati"
"what the hell what phoolmati" he said .. I replied"chupchap bol phoolmati")

Meera: kaha gyi ab bolo na

bharat: han na suno .. hamara naam  hai phoolmati.. phoolmati sharma.

(I give him a  thumbs up to continue)

Meera: pati ka naam?

Bharat: pati nahi hai mere.. bache ke papa ka naam bol du.. vo na it was a weak moment and-(blushingly)

Meera: are bhai mujhe nahi janna tumhara weak moment naam bolo bache ke pita ka

bharat: han to likho Anhad malhotra

Meera: what?

(she shouted on the call making me and bharat cover our ears)

bharat: pyar hogaya hai aapko hamse?

Meera: what the hell  no

Bharat: to phir suno na dhang se pyar nhi hua to sun kyu nhi kaha khoyi ho

Meera: han bolo

bharat: mere baby kaam nam hai Anhad malhotra .. I mean mere baby ke papa ka naam .. vo na mai usually baby bolta-(He bit his tongue) I mean bolti hu na isliye nikal gaya ( blushingly)

Meera: excuse me miss .. mere fiance hai Anhad malhotra ..aap kya bakwas kar rahi hai?
(this bit-biscuit-ch)

bharat: kyaa madam dekhiye mere tillu ke papa ka naam dhang se len

Meera: now who the hell is tillu

bharat: are hamara hone vala baccha .. abhi to bataya maa banne vali hu .. badi short term memory loss hai aapki.

meera: kya prrof hai aapke paas

Bharat: dna test kara lu? sbko baat ti phiru reports ki ye dekho ye mere bache ka baap hai , are bhaii vo sb kiya hai to bacha to hoga na yrr kaisi baat karti ho aap madam ( blushingly)

Meera: ye nhi ho skta 

bharat: ye hogaya h madam..  or hann agar aap mere tillu ke papa ke paas bhi bhatki na to katta hamesha rehta hai mere pass

Meera: what is this katta now

bharat: gun suni hai?

Meera: no no.. mai.. mai aaj hi mana krdungi shadi ka pakka 

bharat: hmm good.. or dr. rashid ko mt bolna kyuki aapke jaise doctor vaha hai to vo kya hi delivery karenge .. meri saari baatein smjh aagyi na?

Meera: ha..han mai krdungi mana ..p..pakka

and he hangs up the call

we both looked at each other and laughed like crazy

"wahh meri bhartii kamaal krdiya tune" I said in between of laughing maniacally.

"kya crazy tha na lekin" he said laughing

"bohot crazy hogaya" and we both again laughed

when the bubble of laughter subsided

"bss vo ab mana krde.. or ye anny ke bacche ho mai bataungi"

I said 

"kya"

he asked confusingly .. I cupped his cheeks and said

"aise kaise meri phoolmati sharma ko pregnant kr skta hai vo .. aise kaise vo kr skta hai suke saath"

and we again laughed

we talked till I got a call from Aaransh bhai at 7 pm .. saying I got to be at home so I left.

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